Will2survive: September 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XN3IaYVf4VA

My abuser, Oceanside Police Lt. Shawn Murray, petitioned the court requesting that the District Attorney's Office "seal and destroy his arrest record".

The DA's Office responded to his request on October 31, 2008 with an "Opposition to motion to seal and destroy arrest record pursuant to Penal Code 851.8".

The DA replied:

"What the petitioner needs to do to prevail at this motion is point the court to facts that he did not commit the crime. However, in his declaration, he sets forth sufficient evidence that supports his arrest. In fact, using ONLY the declaration the court should deny this motion as it sets forth ALL the elements required to show that there was reasonable cause to believe that he committed the crime. Petitioner had the correct procedure (submit a declaration), however, the desired effect has backfired. In his attempt to show "no reasonable cause" existed, he in fact details evidence that justified his own arrest"

The DA went on to state:

"Petitioner was arrested because the victim called "9-1-1", reported abuse and remained on the scene until the police arrived. The victim reported that the petitioner choked her, drug her through the house, and that petitioner picked her up and threw her through the threshold of his doorway. The victim positively identified the petitioner and gave a similar story to the officers that she had on the phone. Officers at the scene verified that they saw marks and bruises on her neck and elbow, where you would expect injuries to be after being choked and forced out of the door. Plainly put, the victim went to the petitioners house, he allowed her inside and then he battered her. The police responded, listened to the victim, saw her injuries that corroborated what she said and made an arrest based on those statements. This was a text book case of domestic violence."

I began writing this email to all of you on my "one year anniversary". The "anniversary" (8-17-09) marked a year from the day God saved me from continuing to go back to a man who was abusive and didn't deserve me.

This past year has been one of the most painful and difficult years of my life. I never "planned" on telling anyone, including all of you, about my life "behind closed doors" (partial title of my book). God had a different "plan" then I did. God's plan, while quite painful, was and is, the best "plan" for me.

I have written in a journal since I was a teenager and I keep them. I always knew I would write a manuscript, I just didn't know what it would be about.

While going through my journals and writing my manuscript, I realized how much God answered my prayers on August 17, 2008. In a paragraph from my journal (from before 8-17-08), I wrote:

"These chains to Shawn bind me and keep me in a place of torture around the clock.... I need someone to cut the chains that prevent me from moving/escaping this painful place...It is hurting me too much God, do you see that? What is the purpose now? really...do I need to learn something else here God?? Please teach it to me now. I feel like I'm paddling in the deep blue ocean, my arms heavy and tired. I'm exhausted, I'm lost, there are no "signs" and I start to lose the ability to paddle. I'm not even sure which way I should be paddling, where is N/S or E/W...where is there land? There is no end in sight...at that moment, all I want to know is, will I survive this? Is there a shore? Will someone rescue me?"

On the morning of August 17, 2008 I wrote this in my journal, "I need a few answers God..."

I wondered how I could ever go back to Shawn again after everything he had done before and now betraying me. I wrote,

"Could I forget this and her?? I can't answer that now and I don't need too because I don't know your (God's) plan yet. What's weird is, at this moment, I feel like Shawn took it too far, to an area that I won't be able to get through..." (the abuse was one thing, cheating is too much for me).

God revealed "his plan" and answered my prayers, all at the same time. I carried a heavy load for many many years and it took a toll on my health, my soul, my spirit, and I was tired. Compartmentalizing every area of my life so carefully so no one saw what was going on in my life was draining.... I had been hurt far too much, for far too long. I wanted, I needed God to save me and he did on August 17, 2008. He knew he needed to get me away from Shawn, and he did.
I am eternally grateful and feel incredibly blessed for that night.

I called the police, they were the first people I invited into my personal life... if I would have thought of it that way, I wouldn't have called them. When they arrived, I knew it was time that I did the "right thing" and sent Shawn the "right" message. Over the days, weeks, months after I called the police, I began talking, feeling, and ultimately healing.

I realize that my revelations about the life I was living came as a surprise to you, I realize it was difficult for many of you for many different reasons. I did what I had to do at the time to "survive", I felt the need to be "strong"....Shawn taught me to "suck it up" and that his treatment towards me was "good for you". When I cried, he would call me "fucking pathetic"... I learned to hide in the bathrooms or closets at our houses when I cried. I learned to cry inside, but not show it outside, I would wipe the tears before he could see them if they escaped. I learned that crying would get me hurt, Shawn often lost his temper if I cried because of something he did or said... I would pay for my tears so I tried to hide them.

I met Shawn within a year of being named Carlsbad Police Departments "Officer of the Year".... I was on the "entry team" (CPD's version of SWAT), a Sr. Officer. I had just competed and placed 2nd in the Body Building competition for the California Police Olympics. I was told over and over and over by friends, family, and co-workers, that I was so "strong", I had accomplished so many things, was so well respected and "looked up too"... How could I EVER tell anyone? If that shame wasn't enough, then I had an added incentive because Shawn threatened me repeatedly if I said a word to anyone. He would quiz me over and over to make certain I was being "loyal". I always passed the test so he would reward me by calling me a "good girl" and would kiss me on the head. I started to feel like if I kept "it" to myself, "it" wouldn't be "real", "it" wouldn't hurt. Clearly I now see that wasn't the case.

The point in telling you all this is I wanted you to understand why I didn't tell you. Many of you have asked me this question. I also hope that you now see that my not telling you, was a way to protect you, as much as to protect me. You see, I have tried little by little to tell each of you little pieces of what happened here and there. What I have discovered in doing so, is what I suspected. It's too much for you, you don't "really" want to know and I don't blame you. You love me, so it's painful for you to hear my truth, I get that. You don't know what to say, you can't imagine how that is to live like that, I get that too. Some of you have stated you feel guilty because you didn't see what was going on and didn't "do anything" to stop it, some of you felt betrayed because I never came to you, some of you may have had some events that have occurred sometime in your life, stirred up after listening to me talk about events in my life.....

What I want ALL of you to know, is this, you NEVER could have known, because I didn't want you to. You never could have "seen" it, because I hid it so you wouldn't. If you saw or heard it, you would think it was horrible, and then I might have...it became "normal" for me, and I NEEDED it stay that way. I wasn't "ready" to see or feel that horrible pain. You never could have done anything, because I wasn't ready too. I figured I was "strong" I could survive it, but I didn't want you to have to too. I didn't not tell you because I don't love or trust you. I didn't tell you because I do love you and I do trust you. I knew it would hurt you, and I wanted to spare you from that pain because deep down (where I chose to keep the pain so I could "survive") I knew how awful "it" was. Because I trusted you, I knew you would try to "do something", and I didn't want you too.... I wanted to stay where I was ("Stockholm Syndrome" at work, along with many other emotions/"issues"). I realize that saying it that way, makes no sense to you.... why would I choose to stay with someone who hurt me? I went into that in the book, it's impossible for me to explain it an email. I will simply say this, staying with Shawn was as "self-destructive" as eating or drinking too much, smoking cigarettes, using drugs, etc. Everyone knows the dangers and health risks for these habits, yet many still engage in them. There are reasons we choose to be "self-destructive", I feel blessed that God took me down the journey he did, because I was able to go back and find out why I would choose to be "self-destructive". I hope by reading my book, others will be able to get to the place I have gotten too, it was an uphill climb, but the view from the top is well worth the work it took to get there.

I knew God had me live and survive this life so I could use my experiences to help others. God has been leading me to "this" place for a very long time. As a police officer I was able to help others. I look back on letters from people I helped when they were beaten by a boyfriend, raped, molested.... When I was in crime prevention I did 8 one hour cable shows on various topics, one of those 8 topics I did was about child molestation. I was trying to help others, because I couldn't help myself. If I could make others feel better then maybe I would. When I was growing up, I never wanted to be a police officer, one day I thought I would go a "ride-a-long", 2 months later I was in the Police Academy. God had plans for me that I never made for myself, and he is still revealing his plan today. I am excited because he is giving me another opportunity to help others, however, this time, he showed me how to help myself first.

My dream as a child was to be an actress and comedian. I held onto that dream throughout the years and thought when I was forced to medically retire from the police department that God was leading me towards "my plan". I went to acting classes and LOVED it. I couldn't explain why I "loved it" so much, however, now, 9 years later I can. It was the first time in my life, where it was good to cry, good to be angry, good to be afraid, good to "feel", and the REALLY cool part was I got to do it all while being "someone else", a "character". Those emotions were dying to get out, it felt good to release them. I didn't have to be "strong", I got to be "real" even if no one knew the "character" was "really" me getting to "be" the "real me".

God intervened, he didn't want me to "act", he had bigger plans for me. He saw the value in me being able to be "me" and knew I could help more people by being "me" vs. a "character". He had a lot to teach me still, but he knew that in time, he could get me to climb to the top of the hill. He had Shawn stay in my life and Shawn wouldn't hear of me acting or being a comedian. He said that actors and comedians were a "bunch of fucking morons who needed constant adulation" and that I was "fucking stupid" to want to be a "fucking actor" (then again, he didn't like, approve of, or support any job I ever had or any assignment I had at any job). He was angry because he thought I might have to kiss someone, he had plenty of mean things to say and ways to stop me from pursuing my dreams. At the time, I didn't understand why God (and I) was allowing Shawn to stop me, I do now. I'm happy with God's plan and my purpose. I still want to do comedy (I have still been writing it), but this past year wasn't the time to laugh. God didn't want me to hide my pain behind laughter just as he didn't want me to hide emotions behind a "character". Actors and comedians are people, they have experienced pain in their lives. Just as others have, I suspect many actors and comedians hide their pain behind a "character", laughter, drugs, alcohol, etc. Clearly we see this play out with deaths like Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson, Elvis, etc etc.

Being "silent" was easy for me, I had done it since I was molested countless times from age 6-9 (by an older cousin, Sonny)...it seemed to work at the time and I was told "not to tell" (translation to a 6 yr. old, "this" is bad, translation "you are bad" and "deserve this"). I now realize that living in "denial", and being "silent" actually didn't "work", it merely assured that I would continue to feel pain and shame. Speaking out was anything but easy. But it's becoming very easy for me now, because for the first time, I "really" am "strong". I wrote two quotes for my manuscript about this, "Silence is a "silent" killer" and, "I learned how to be strong by being weak....I learned how to be weak by being strong".

I see God's plans unfolding daily in my life, I am very excited about helping others and making a difference in others lives. Our plans (God's and mine) are to help others break the "silence" so they too can heal, so there is no more misplaced shame.

I want to educate children and adults about what abuse "is", how it looks, how it sounds, how it feels......i.e. you're 5, you are finger painting, age 7 you are beat, told you are "stupid", or "ugly" or "fat", or you're molested, or you're ignored and your feelings are dismissed. Age 13 you turn to alcohol, drugs, or food to temporarily dull or hide the pain, anything or anyone that will hurt you because you believe that you are "stupid" or "ugly" or "fat", you believe that you are "bad" because you were molested and you feel a tremendous amount of "shame", you feel that your feelings are not worthy nor are you (translation, you deserved to be hurt because you are "not good enough" or you are "bad"). The alcohol and drugs and food don't work for you, it's a band aide over a wound that needed stitches to heal, so it never heals. Age 16 you are raped or you commit suicide or start getting into fights and abusing others, or you get into an abusive relationship. Age 24, you are arrested for drugs or abusing someone, or you OD on drugs, or you stay in a relationship where you get beat up verbally and physically. Age 26 you have kids so you can unconsciously have your pain become theirs.... and so goes the cycle. I want people and parents to SEE what abuse (all forms) on a child looks like and feels like to the adult they become. When a child is abused, an adult is abused, and the consequences to our society has far reaching ramifications .

IN 2008 THERE WERE 166,344 CALLS TO POLICE DEPARTMENTS IN CA FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. For every call that was made there are AT LEAST 10 that are not made. That means that in California, there are NEARLY 2 MILLION women and men are not calling the police when they are abused in a DV relationship (THAT ONLY ADDRESSES PHYSICAL ABUSE, not "verbal", "emotional" or "sexual").

San Diego County has the second highest calls to police agencies for domestic violence in the ENTIRE STATE, The highest number is LA).

I "survived"....some have not, and will never. I am speaking for them, I am speaking to them. Abuse (of any kind) will NEVER stop, unless WE start talking.....

Will2survive

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Monday, September 7, 2009

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